ANDREW OF AMERICA: Rutherford Inst. invites gays to knit nooses
(C) 1996 ANDREW OF AMERICA All Rights Reserved.

The Pro-life/pro-family/pro-American/pro-traditional values/
pro-polyester/pro-tein shake organization has invited gay men to knit
nooses for its annual Rutherford Institute Celebrate Capital Punishment
Picnic. 

"We were more than happy to be included," said Bruce Thowussabone,
spokesperson for PLAGULLIBLE, a pro-born yesterday gay and lesbian
group, "anything that will help us use our stereo-homo- typical skills
to assimilate into a bland Brady Bunch culture. 

"It's a shame we had to use swishy sissies," lamented Thor Aryan,
Uberspokesman for the Rutherford Institute, "but feminist baby killers
have talked too many women out of their Godgiven calling to knit lil'
things." Lesbians have been excluded from the noose knit-a-thon. "We
want this done right," said Thor, "most lesbos couldn't knit together a
meatloaf." 

After the Rutherford Institute requested 2.5 million nooses for the
picnic, the rough estimated number of homosexuals in the U.S. in their
pamphlet *Lambdas to the Slaughter*, the Washington chapter of ACT-STR8.
SPrung into action. 

"We knew they could never knit all those nooses in time so we blew the
whistle until they invited us too," said Michaelangelo Protesterone'
ACT-STR8 president and author of "Mirrors Make Any Closet Roomier." The
Rutherford Institute dropped off 7 Miles of "human hair yarn" reportedly
"shaven from the heads of reformed Viet Nam War Protesters." However
Carbon 14 dating places the hair somewhere between 1942-45 from Central
Europe. 

When asked whether these nooses might have anything to do with the
RUtherford Institute's declared policy of mandating the death penalty
for homosexuality, champion knitter Wesley Lemming said, "Heck, no. You
can't take everything you hear literally! Those guys are just joshin'!"
Wesley was awarded a free designer pink triangle jacket and tatoo with
the serial number of his choice.