A N D R E W   O F   A M E R I C A 
is Dying of Thirst!
(C) 1994, 1996 ANDREW OF AMERICA All Rights Reserved
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Brent Payton is the Sole Authorized Archivist for ANDREW OF AMERICA
Just Because Brent is so groovy.

ANDREW OF AMERICA here,

Sorry if I seem all out of breath, but I'm DYING OF THIRST!

	*I can't drink Florida Orange Juice because Rush Limbaugh is their
      	spokesperson.

	*I can't drink Snapple because they sponsor Rush!

	*I can't drink Coors because they've supported our enemies!

	*I can't drink Zima because it's distributed by Coors!

	*I can't drink Mexican beer because the press says it's
	full of piss.

	*I can't drink Perrier because my mother thinks
	it's full of Benzene.

	*I can't drink tap water because I can smell so
	much chlorine it could bleach my hair!

	*I can't drink milk because it's "animal exploitive."

	*I can't drink coffee because it's bad for my heart.

	*I can't drink tea because its bad for my teeth.

	*I can't drink Coke because its bad for my waistline.

	*I can't drink Pepsi because it's by Mormons which
	is bad for gays.

	*I can't drink Tab because it's bad for lab rats.

	*I can't drink RC Cola because it's bad for my image.

	*I can't drink Saki because it's bad for the economy.

	*I can't drink French Champagne because it's bad for EuroDisney (and
	what's bad for Tinkerbell is bad for all fairies!)

	*I can't drink domestic "Champagne" because I'm a snob.

	*I can't drink gin because it makes me mean.

	*I can't drink Schnapps because it makes me barf.

	*I can't drink Gator-aid because I don't wanna "be like Mike."

	*My school paper says I cannot even print what the Surgeon General says
	I cannot even swallow (!)

ERGO:  The only fluids left me to drink are Pepto Bismol and Masengill Dis-
       posable Douche!

Parched to the Bone
ANDREW OF AMERICA
"If their state senate 
will vote for gay marriages,
I might have a nice Hawaiian Punch!"
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ANDREW OF AMERICA   617 Louisiana Avenue  McComb, MS 39648