A N D R E W   O F   A M E R I C A ' S
(C) 1998 All Rights Reserved
  
MILITARY UPDATE: Don't Pass, Don't Smell!
Gov't Policy Bans Flatulence for
Men and Women in Uniform

ANNASSPOLIS, MARYLAND (AOA) Two New Jersey men are under investigation
for violating the government's controversial "Don't Ask Don't Smell"
policy. Ensigns Paul "Poof" Krapowski and Robert Foosh of Hoboken, N.J.
The two recruits knew each other at Orson Bean High School and are
suspected of engaging in flatulence prior to their enlistment.  he passed,
the test that is. This replaces the old "He Who Smelt It Dealt It" policy
based upon old Napoleanic Code Maritime Law.

Two networks plan movies-of-the-week.  NBC's "Waiting to Expel"
starring Glenn Close and Rush Limbaugh will air March 5.  Fox billboards 
Keenan Ivory Wayans and Bob Seger sing "Against the Wind" with special
Smellavision cards available free through area convenience stores with the
purchase of a sixpack of Old Milwaulkee.

The investigation began when shipmen on the Nuclear Submarine USS
Notusatall reported seeing jets of blue flame emanating from the bunks of
the two men in question.  When lights were switched on the two men held
their thumbs to their forehead.  Both defendants they were testing whoopee
cushions.  Black actress/comedienne Whoppi Cushions could not be reached
for comment.

"Despite the Bristish Navy's Official Anthem being "Jumpin' jack Flash
it's a Gas Gas Gas, our military is so tightassed that if anyone
pooted we'd know," insists Brigadier General Letta Raspberry, "loose lips
stink ships!"

How do experts evaluate Don't Pass Don't Smell's track record? "It
stinks," says Dr. Sphincter Von Pullmeifinger of Harvard Unversity
think tank  Suggests that military service may actually encourage
flatulance by stuffing sailors with high octane food and then
suffing them into those tight little uniforms with all those buttons.

(C) Copyright 1998
ANDREW OF AMERICA
andrew96@netdoor.com