ANDREW OF AMERICA's ADDRESS TO THE NATION
(C) 1998 The Author.  All rights reserved.

Queer Nation at large... and the rest of you who are just faggots.

I come before you tonite to ask your understanding and forgiveness.

This entire Monica Lewinsky, bomb Sudan, the world will end as
the computers crash in Y2K (Year 2000 for you non-millenial
AOL geeks) was a clever ruse to divert national attention
from the fact that I have indeed grown love handles.

This was the result of an inappropriate relationship with Godiva
chocolates and deepthroating hotdogs.

I was ashamed and did not want you to know that the leader of
the free gay world was not built like a greyhound.  I'd only
chase an electronic Playbot bunny around a race track anyway.

I deceived the nation, misled the media, wooleyed gaynet and even 
tricked my own tailor. This smokescreen of diversionary redherring
attention misbegetters was further advanced in the following
TOP TEN ways:

10. The faked death of Diana Princess of Wales.  Do you really think she
    could have stayed so *thin* after all Charles and Camilla Gorilla put her
    through? She is alive and fat and living in Cornwall on pasties and
    clotted cream.

9.  Crop Circles--which are merely my ravenous, late nite grazing of
    grain (and amber waves thereof).

8.  Cloning sheep--two-for-one racks of lamb.

7.  Ellen (I bated her, though I never ate her)

6.  Teletubbies--what was I thinking?  They are not nearly as
    cute as beanie babies.  Nor as edible.

5.  Those silly fullpage ex-gay newspaper ads.  I had the artwork
    paste-ups done since my days in the Exodus/Homosexuals Anonymous
    movement and it seemed a shame to let the graphics go to waste.

4.  The resuscitation of John Travolta's career.  Man, were
    my jaws tired after that one!

3.  The whole vanilla craze

2.  The Anglican Conference of Bishops.  Parkboy fell for
    this one even harder than the "Free Disney Trip" Chainletter.
    Lambeth Palace was filled with Carnaby Street alkies dressed
    in silk.  Anyone can swill sherry and cuss cuirs.  That's right:
    The ARCHBISHOP OF CARNABY.

1.  TITANIC which was merely James Cameron's codependent perpetration of
    my death wish upon a lost love who has since come out as bisexual and
    is seeing a former Catholic seminarian turned thespian.  Not even
    Slick Willie can feel my pain over this one.

If only I was as shamelessly preoccupied with my shaping up my physical
appearance as I was with shaping world events and culture... I could
fit in in this penultimate period of perpetual pumpitude.

This is nobody's business but our own and I will continue to run
national policy based on my testosterone level and my perceived need
to assert my monument-making masculinity per Citizen Kane.

I want you to love me on my own terms.

That is all.

I am waiting for my
approval rating to soar.
ANDREW OF AMERICA
andrew96@netdoor.com
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + 
For more shameless self-promotion, visit www.fc.net/~zarathus