ANDREW OF AMERICA versus Martha Stewart
Over Who is the Ultimate Housewife of All Time

Martha Stewart:  I guild my own picture frames, dry my own potpourri, and
make candles out of beeswax.

ANDREW OF AMERICA: I PAINT my own pictures, grow my own spices, burn my
candle at both ends--not an erotic metaphor for something else--and
mind my own beeswax.

Martha: I come early to estate sales to get the best of the lot.

ANDREW: I hang around dying widows to pick through everything
before you get there.

Martha: I reupholster furniture with exotic fabrics I find in
curio shops.

ANDREW: I build furniture from hardwood I cut my own yard, dress
the  windows in lace my great grandmother Nannah selected in
Europe, and deck the beds with ancestral Irish linens.

Martha: I deck the halls with evergreens I deforrested from
endangered spotted owl nesting grounds, then make a savory
owl stock with bay leaves  and Dalmatian sage and serve it crowned
with an elegant centerpiece of owl feathers festooned into the
shape of Queen Victoria.

ANDREW: I make attractive glow-in-the-dark Christmas ornaments
from toxic phosphates dug up at Love Canal by two-headed illegal
immigrant Laotian children from Sears & Roebuck sweatshops whom I
promptly boil alive in their mother's milk and serve up at an
elegant dinner party for 50 in celebration of Greek Drama.

Martha: I stack 1280 champagne glasses molded in the shape of
Helen of Troy's breasts in a gigantic pyramid replicating those
of Giza and fill it with cascades of flowing Dom Perignon.

ANDREW OF AMERICA: I sit on the remant shards of the Champagne
bottle that Christened the Titanic and whilst I do a Russian
dance taught to me by Czar Nicolas' great grandson make it
*disappear* without so much as a nick, a scratch or a whistle.

Martha: Impressivo. Bravo.

ANDREW: Danke Schoen.

Martha (of New Jersey): I bag spiced oranges for any guests who
may drop in.

ANDREW: I make chocolate truffles for 100 of my closest friends.

Martha: I send Nancy Reagan sugar cookies.

ANDREW: Princess Caroline bakes *us* profiteroles and drops them
off in person. (Ahem.  Sniff sniff).

Martha: I can sing Olde Englishe Caroles, I play Gregorian chants
in my bathtub,I know 73 wassail songs of old.

ANDREW: I play trumpet, French Horn, and Baritone, I have written
my own settings for a requiem mass and I am not even Catholic, we
make gin in our bathtub and I recorded the Bee Gees greatest hits
on my own CD.

Martha: I know origami, needlepoint, cannery, woodworking, meatcuring,
nouvelle cuisine, confectionery and...

ANDREW: I am the very model of a modern major general.

Martha: Pshaw.

ANDREW: I know calligraphy, iconography, numismatics, viniculture,
philatelics, politics, theology and nomenclature, philosophy,
epistemology, dramaturgy, literature... 

Martha: Cosmetology, cosmology,
zoology and theatre?

ANDREW: Movie trivia, Psychology, genetics and amphibia...

Martha: Horticulture?

ANDREW: Nordic Culture, Smorgasborders, Beatlemania, demonology, Erotica,
psychedellia, quadrophenia, dyspepsia, hymenology, pharmacology, pyromania,
Tasmania, Islamophilia, Ophelia, Necrophilia, claustrophobia, stychamythia,
Mississippia, onomatopaeia.

Martha: I make... jam.

ANDREW: I'll be damned.

Martha: I pluck chickens.

ANDREW: Ain't that the dickens... I have sex twelve times a week.

Martha:...............

ANDREW: Aha, not a peep?  

Martha: We shall have to once again cordially resume this conversation
upon an occasion wherein I do not find
myself at such a loss
for utterance.

ANDREW: (I thought so!)  Until we meet again.

Martha: Auf Wienerschitzel. My sticky buns are burning.

ANDREW: Au Reservoir.  So are mine.

Home Improvement Doesn't Stop
at the Boudoir Door.
ANDREW OF AMERICA
Martha Stewart Living (Like a Nun).
---------------------------------------------------------
(C) Copyright 1995 ANDREW OF AMERICA, All Rights Reserved.
For info on reprints or how you can live better than Martha
write: ANDREW 617 Louisiana Ave. McComb, MS  39648 or Beep (601) 881-7979