A N D R E W O F A M E R I C A Tells Your Parents 4 U (C) 1998 The Author, All Rights Reserved ANDREW OF AMERICA here answering the musical question: SHOULD I TELL MY PARENTS? Well the answer is NO. It would be too troubling, it would only hurt their feelings and get you written out of your inheritance. THAT's WHY I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF TELLING THEM FOR YOU! Youth is such a time of angst. I know because I heard that word used in an ABC Afterschool Special. I have no idea what it means but I think it's an Egyptian symbol of teenage life. Speaking of ABC, if you come out of the closet, the network would only cancel the sitcom of YOUR so-called life. So I didn't tell any of you gays-n-galses' parents if you are *currently* on tee vee. (Joey Lawrence's brother doesn't count). This means YOU Jonathan Taylor Thomas, mister fancy schmancy three first names. The rest of you... I called your folks while you were away. It's easier that way. I mean, it's so hard for you to put into words all the gutwrenching soulsearching stuff you're goin' through (considering how high school SAT verbal scores have declined. That's why I, ANDREW OF AMERICA, wordsmith extraordinaire have crafted the ultimate X-Plain it Loud-N-Proud-N-Clear Coming out of the Closet Speecheroos for y'all! Here goes: *********** Scenario #1 *********** ANDREW: Knock! Knock! YOUR MOM: Who's There? ANDREW: Boo! YOUR MOM: Boo Who? ANDREW: Don't cry `cause you won't have any grandkids! *********** Scenario #2 *********** (My Dialogue Only. You can mock your parent's voices) Hello, is they lady of the house at home? No ma'am, not you... your son. What? No, you're right, I meant your daughter who *looks* like a son. No ma'am, I don't think she looks like Peppermint Patty. I think she looks like Groucho Marx. You think *I* look like Harpo Marx? Pretty funny. I mean your daughter, "GI Jane." No she's not a Tom Boy, she's Tom Jones. No, not the Welsh singer with the tight pants, I meant the lover from English literature, don't you people read ? I guess not, with ESPN blaring on the tee vee so loud and everything. Your daughter's a Daughter of Bilitus. I guess you need to ask yourself, "What would Gilligan do?" Or ask your daughter and I bet the answer is shag Mary Ann cause Ginger is too "lipstick!" Well that's probably as close as you'll come to sane solution without your family going on Jerry Springer... [You get the drift] - -OR- ************ SCENARIO #3 ************ (The pithy oneliner approach) Hi, I'm the guy who gave your son the milk mustache. No, he didn't do it just to hurt your feeeeeelings. He did it to hurt your chances of getting into the COuntry Club. Remember Billie Jean King? It's not all your fault. Fifty percent of it is your husband's (wife's). Remember "Batman & Robin?" Rhymes with prissy. Remember the Bat Pole? Are you Solomon's mom? Schlomo's a homo. It's all this disco music. It puts funny ideas kids heads. Are you Telemachus' dad? Telly's nelly. It was the fluoride. Rhymes with "snow job." Are you Hieronymous' mom? Harry's a Mary. Remember the Bat Belt? How `bout the matching purse and shoes? It was the Village People Pepsi Commercial. Could be worse, he could be a dancing polar bear. Liberace was gay. No, really, he was. There are Great Danes and great dames. You son is a pink poodle. Are you Poindexter's dad? Your Pointer's a setter. Remember the Batmobile? Someone's been driving it into Bat Cave. It's just a phase. In six months he'll be transsexual. Are you Elizabeth's mother? Liz is a Lez. Remember "Three's Company?" No, I didn't say, "bagette." Remember "Gumby and Pokey?" Remember when Ethel was the "Little Mermaid?" Now she's a little Merman! Look at it this way, you're not losing a son you're gaining a son-in-law. Got Milk? Look at it this way, you're not losing a son, your gaining a daughter without the expense of feminine hygiene products. Remember Kukla, Fran and Ollie? Your son has no Frans. He'll keep you company in your old age and tastefully redecorate your apartment with K-Mart's Martha Stewart collection. No, I didn't say "Lebanese." Well, keeds I hope your coming out party was as good of an experience for you as it was for me. Remember, whatever you do don't commit suicide, it isn't cool, it went out in the 50s and they won't make another made-for-teevee movie about it. No budget. Instead become fabulously happy. That's the best revenge of all. Be so happy the call you... gay. Maybe they'll throw you a debutante party Or maybe they'll just throw you OUT And you can move in with the cast from FRIENDS Your Friend ANDREW OF AMERICA andrew96@netdoor.com + + + + + + + + + + + (C) 1998 ANDREW OF AMERICA E-mail above address for permission to reprint or "Get Out of Jail Free" card.