ANDREW OF AMERICA Interviews Camille Paddleya on her New Book: "You're Askin' For It!" (1998) Blame Game Press 1250 pages $99.95 (C) 1998 The Author ANDREW: My guest today is Camille Paddleya who'll be talking about her new boo...oWWW! Why'd ya hit me?! CAMILLE: You were askin' for it! You were bein' redundant! They already read the title cakebot! Let's cut to the chase! ANDREW: Okay okay! In your new thousand page coffee tabletop tome, you say that gay men who get bashed by Marines are just... CAMILLE: ...askin' for it! I mean, these nancy boys go out huntin' for meat and end up gettin' beat! ANDREW: Could you prounce the "g's" please? CAMILLE: The "g's" always silent... like women should be. ANDREW: Geez. CAMILLE: That's who's ruinin' the feminist movement! A bunch o' yappity yap diesel dykes who can't keep a secret worth s***! ANDREW: Thank God the "hit" was silent too. CAMILLE: The mob taught me how to make silent hits, Drew-Bob. "Omerta" is the code of silence. ANDREW: Are YOU in the mob? CAMILLE: You have no right to trade in stereotypes, Andrew. That's my job, takin' time worn stereotypes and embroiderin' `em with pseudo- scientific funiculi funiculah and gettin' `em published in national rags. ANDREW: Are you on the rag? CAMILLE: I'm in the rag, on the rag and of the rag. In fact, I am the rag, I am the Eggman I am the Walrus, goo Gucci shoes. ANDREW: SO you're a fag rag? CAMILLE: In a manner of speaking. I soak up all their crap. Someday they'll be sorry they didn't listen to me! I tried to lead them to greatness, but they rejected my message! They're askin' for it! Germany is not worthy of me! Let her perish! ANDREW: Ummm okay... Camille, I've noticed in your book that you exhibit a tendency to blame people for their... CAMILLE: No siree! I do not blame people! I make people accept responsibilty for their actions instead of whining like "victims." I hate victims! ANDREW: How so, for example... CAMILLE: Have you ever noticed how people in Vampire movies wear seductively low necklines? They're askin' for it! Did you ever notice that the Japanese flag looks kinda like a *bullseye?* The city of Hiroshima was askin' for it! ANDREW: You have a contoversial view of the money we spend on HIV/AIDS research in the U.S. Why is that? CAMILLE: Why should be spendin' all this money when people are out there jugglin' hypodermic needles with their bare hands and dipping their penises in buckets of blood? ANDREW: What?! CAMILLE: They're askin' for it! Our government used to give millions of dollars to science discover why pizza burns the roof of your mouth! Not anymore! All the slush is going down the gerbil pipe to gay men! There's no money for pizza research and a lot more people enjoy a hot gooey slice of pie than wanna s*** d***. ANDREW: Uck! Ick! CAMILLE: Exactly! ANDREW: No, I mean I can't imagine any same person making a comparison like that especially considering an infectious disease that could wipe out every man woman and child on the planet! CAMILLE: Sounds like "Armageddon." Maybe we should just get Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis to come save the world! I bet those gayboys would love that! Especially now since Demi is leavin' Bruce! He was askin' for it: havin' her shave her head and stuff her boobs! And Ben Affleck said in an interview he would s*** d*** for money! Maybe we could just take all that money we chuck at AIDS research and pay Ben to blow every gay prick in America! ANDREW: You're disgusting! I can't believe Conehead O'Brien lets you on his show! CAMILLE: What a liar! You know you'd love Ben Affleck to steam your wiener! You're askin' for a paddlin'! (SMACK!) ANDREW: Ow! Stop that! This is my show we don't allow corporal punissshhhheeyiiiiit! Stop that! That really hurts! CAMILLE: They don't call me Camille Paddleya for nothing! (WHACK!) ANDREW: I knew you were a whacko but this is ridiculous! + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + DISCLAIMER: All characters and situations in ANDREW OF AMERICA's Interviews are fictional... except for the extravagant government pizza study which really happened. Any similarity to Camille Paglia is purely consonantal. This replaces our old disclaimer, "Sue us! I dare you, bitch." + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + I dare you to visit the ANDREW OF AMERICA Archives! www.fc.net/~zarathus Thank BRENT PAYTON for a job well done!